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i am a patient gal.....

i'll wait, i'll wait, i'll wait, i'll wait

8/16/08 05:51 pm - party party

going to a bdsm party tonight. not getting my hopes up too much. they never deliver what i want. fat old white guys drooling over me, trying to get me loose enough to play with them. getting back into it as a top should be a lot better though. i wish i could stamp that on my chest to avoid stupid awkward conversations. got some shiny new toys too. we will see what happens. at least people are hyper respectful in the scene..wouldnt want a fight to break out over someone touching someone elses slave : P

dad is trying to be my therapist so i dont see a professional. right. i have gotten use to keeping my real problems to my self (20 something odd years of practice) and i dont even know how to share them with him. i guess he is starting to realize that his kids are gonna be the only people around to take care of his old ass pretty soon. better start playing nice.

le sigh. somebody get me some prescription meds for fuck sake.

8/14/08 07:23 pm - grrrrr

in a particularly funky mood today. 

back in houston and looking for a new car. the echo and aveo are looking pretty spiffy. i would love an old volvo as well. 

i have been pretty lazy here. i hate it. this city...maybe myself. probably myself. self-loathing is not sexy. i dont want to do anything. i want to crawl into a dark space and daydream. or maybe fuck...without the strings attached. 

my mother is getting sicker. she disappears for entire days and is no longer reliable. i dont even know why i came back. she needs help i cant give her. 

im tired and all i wanted to do for a while was get drunk or high but thats not cutting the mustard anymore. thats a shame. i cant even rely on the easy to get "problem solvers" to solve my problems. 

i hate this fucking house.

i hate that i have hurt someone who loved me with all of his heart because im a piece of shit. a piece of fucking shit. he is so perfect and i cant get my shit together enough to...

may be going out for drinks with asha, eric and my brother. eric will be leaving town in a few days. not too happy about that. 

i guess i am just bored...with myself, and more afraid than i realized. more afraid than i could ever imagine.

7/24/08 07:47 pm


saw an interesting video on someone else's journal and went in search of all videos like it. the first is just a daft punk video but the last three are really funny / impressive. the shit you think up to do when you are high...








7/13/08 10:04 pm

maybe i push people away because i think i will end up alone anyway. there is something wrong with me. i dont give a shit what anybody says. i shouldnt feel this alone. this isnt normal. its not normal!!! nobody can hear me. i refuse to continue on this way. i wont live such an uncomfortable and uncertain life. im not going to live this way. 

7/4/08 07:38 am

 so, all of yesterday i was particularly anxious, worrying about money and other things, went to sleep with a headache, and last night i had an incredibly vivid dream in which i was turning tricks at my parents places while my family was home. CRAZY!!!! its like my anxiety bled into my dreams and multiplied because as you can imagine, i was a nervous wreck trying to sneak men into my families house etc. i wonder what this means.

5/24/08 08:09 pm - more pictures?





5/16/08 07:03 am

 today is my birthday! yahoo!

going to houston  today for saturday's radiohead concert. RADIOHEAD!!! I CANT BELIEVE IT!

5/15/08 12:47 pm

ugh. lots to do today but i cant seem  to peal myself away from youtube clips of "to catch a predator".

5/12/08 08:32 am

NO MORE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!! (i sound like a 12 year old). Now i can read the shit i want, which is the stuff i was reading during the semester anyway. i just dont have a paper lingering overhead now. 

got so much to do. got a bunch of medical stuff to take care of. its strange, i dont see doctors very often. never have the money for the stuff i need. should get my teeth looked at while im at it. car comes first though. no air conditioning and summer is-a-comin'. 

frozen gym membership has kicked back in so i guess ill head there today : P

what am i doing sitting here. off to run errands!!!!!

5/5/08 08:17 am

got the flu (just in time for finals week) ... lovely

5/1/08 11:25 am

i am soar all over today. its definitely not normal for a person to sleep as badly as i do. even my knees hurt! in what possible position could i have been sleeping in to make my knees hurt?!?! theres some weird stuff going on at night.

the school art department is holding their student / faculty art sale. i have seen a least 6 mugs i wanna grab. there are a few drawings of me as well. i should snag those too and feed them as a sacrifice to my ego. 

jesus the neck pain!!

only one more week of school!! weeee!!

my hair is growing so fast that i still havent gotten use to the length, which sounds fine but doesnt look that way when you randomly swat at your arms like there is a spider there only to discover it is your own hair (this only happening in public of course). 

4/24/08 09:13 pm





"i fly like paper, get high like planes"

4/23/08 09:49 pm



creepy photo taken of me catching zzzzzzz.

a friend of mine invited me to the rainbow festival this year. i wanted to go last year but i had no idea of its existence until it was in full swing. god, where has the last year gone? all of these anniversaries of things that seemed to have happened just last week are coming around.

4/23/08 11:28 am

something is wrong with my computer now. i used the internet service at the hampton in san antonio over the weekend and now its freaking out. i guess ill have to get it looked at : (

i think i might fail statistics this semester. i havent been focused this semester at all. i have been too distracted by my own impending melt down to really invest my attention in normal distribution curves and simple random samples. 

i guess i just dont feel well. im trying not to let it get me down. to be rational about it. no, failing statistics does not get you a one way ticket to a home full of cats and a job at wendys. 

i am beginning to think that i am too fragile, scatterbrainded and confused to be able function the way i want (that being without internal meltdowns and crippling self doubt). i cant even picture myself operating in any other way. i feel like a thin piece of galss being tapped at, there only being a matter of time before i break. i have these moments where i "know" nothing matters while at the same time being aware that everything does. as one can imagine, decision making (and general thought organization) can be quite difficult. 

eric is thinking about getting me radiohead ticket for their show in houston (the day after my b-day!!!) i imagine they would be grass seats. those really suck. if i were him, i wouldnt consider for a second buying tickets to a show where i would have to sit so far away that the sound gets to me 2 seconds after its made. not kidding. i mean, i love radiohead as much as the next twenty-something year old but i have never really had a desire to see them live. 60 dollar shit seats dont push me to see them either. we are gonna wait it out and keep an eye on the ebay to see how things pan out.

whatever. i have sociology to do.

4/16/08 08:36 am

 having a bit of a frustrating day. a frustrating week in fact. why is it so hard to stay on top of my schoolin' when it counts the most? 

i need to throw my tv out of the fucking window. everything on television makes me feel tense and uneasy. just thinking about the shit i have seen makes me physically sick sometimes. reality tv blows my mind. 

gonna rummage around in goodwill binds today in search of some summer clothes. dollar shirts : ) cant beat that with a stick. 

got my passport in the mail a lot sooner than i thought i would. i cant believe i actually got it considering how fucked my birth certificate is (scratch outs and shit).

also got a sweet pair of ebay heals in the mail. they had been sitting in the leasing office for a month before i even remembered the i had ordered them. 

getting into this new band i stumbled upon named Beirut. all kinds of brassy goodness. your typical story of a teen american dropping out of high school, going to europe, becoming entranced with gypsies, assembling a brass band, and coming back to the states. typical indeed. fucking amazing bastard. 

been taking herbal sleeping aids to help me get this borderline insomnia under some kind of control. maybe thats why i feel like punching strangers...no i still think its television. 

le sigh. this caffeine high im on at the moment is gonna make it extremely difficult to focus in stats. 

4/13/08 10:28 pm

i cant get enough of this song. and the concept behind the video is amazing.

Video from arcticmonkey
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4/4/08 01:44 pm

hooray for little black dresses! 

my car was broken into recently. the front window smashed in and my beloved GPS system stolen. bastards. about three hundred to fix and 200 lost on my system. 

finally got off of my ass and took care of my passport stuff.

one more for the road...

3/25/08 08:40 am

ugh. im having one of those i-feel-like-shit days that can only be explained as a chemical imbalance. one of those days where i give in to the undeniably irrational desire for food to make me feel better. i cant focus on my school work to save my life. i have so much sociology to do and no dicipline to do it. maybe its do to my shitty sleeping the last few...months. im feeling pretty emotionaly tired all the time these days. 

chemistry in 15. cant wait.

3/14/08 09:56 pm

every trip i take back home makes me feel mor disconnected. like i no longer know my family. i cant crack my father and communicate to him that he is being an ass hole and my mother is carrying on like this frail old senile woman. how did this happen? its like i dont have my support system anymore. they are strangers.

went out to dinner with my father the other day and felt i needed a martini to make it through. i am a full time studen who he is not supporting and i honor all of my responsibilites to him yet he is not satisfied. its so cliche. we started off the evening with him insulting the condition of my car (that i pay for/ including insurance) then we moved on to my physical appearance, my hobbies, then lastly the reason why i am in school. "what are you going to do with that?" he is talking about my studying nutrition. "a lot of things" i said. i was way too tired to have a conversation that started out with me thinking "am i crazy?!?!?!?! is it me?!"  i just want him to realize that i am fucking amazing and things could be worse considering what a shity parent he is.

what is going on? everything around me is so awkward and unatural. i have always felt like i would have my family if nobody else but i dont think that will be the case soon.

if only i could give myself over completely to some higher, imaginary, rule-driven religion. i would have answers to all of these questions.

im feeling alienated. the realization of this use to be enough but my seeming inability to do anything about it has gone from frustrating to hopelessly overwhelming.

i have also opened my eyes to what it means to me to be a woman. i equate women with victims. victims of and over masculinized society and victims to our own inability to identify the origins of our dislike for one another. there is nothing i am willing to fight more than the title of victim. women are being fucked over and out and its killing me.

3/14/08 06:46 pm

last day-o-spring break. eric is here. hoorayzzies!!!
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